Neptunia Kart: Double Dash!
by HistyIsPissty
Summary: When Vert and Blanc decide to co-host the Great Summer Grand Prix, all of the other CPUs and CPU Candidates are more than eager to compete (after a bit of persuasion of course). Unfortunately, none of them had any idea of the sheer insanity and chaos that awaited them. After all, who could have possibly expected a kart race between friends to end up so disastrously? Oneshot


**This is the end product of a lazy summer weekend, caffeine and sugar overdose, 3-hours of the Nepu Nepu Challenge video, the entire soundtrack of _Initial D_, and several online rounds of _Mario Kart 8 Deluxe_. Make of that what you will.**

**Oh and as a sidenote, the race course used in the story is a slightly altered version of Peach Beach from _Mario Kart: Double Dash_.**

**Enjoy the madness.**

* * *

**Neptunia Kart: Double Dash!**

"The Summer Grand Prix?" Neptune asked, a large spoonful of pudding halted halfway to her mouth.

"The _Great_ Summer Grand Prix," Vert corrected proudly. "It's to be a grand event co-hosted by both Leanbox and Lowee."

The CPUs and CPU Candidates were currently gathered at their usual hangout at the Planeptune Basilicom as Vert and Blanc informed everyone about the recent news.

"The Lowee Racing Committee has officially partnered up with the Leanbox Tourism Board for the event," Blanc elaborated, a rare smile on her usually stoic face. "The paperwork and meetings were a nightmare but Vert and I finally managed to make it happen. Now Lowee gets to show off and advertise its national sport of kart racing to the wider world."

"And Leanbox gets to benefit from the Credits generated by all the tourists that the event will bring in," Vert added with a pleased look.

Noire regarded the news with a disinterested look as she crossed her arms. "That's good for the two of you I guess. But what does any of that have to do with the rest of us?"

Vert answered with a beaming smile. "Why, everyone here has been invited to compete in the race of course!"

Contrary to her expectations, Vert's announcement was met with a mixed response.

"Um... I don't know," Uni said hesitantly. "Aren't Lowee's kart races extremely dangerous? I think I read somewhere about the death rate being almost ninety percent."

"They've modified their item list to be less lethal," Blanc waved off. "Ever since the Blue Shell was internationally categorized as a Weapon of Mass Destruction, the Lowee Racing Committee was forced to make a few changes. Also the racetrack is going to be one of Leanbox's beaches so you don't have to worry about having to drive through an active volcano."

"Wait, an active volcano?!"

Uni's outburst went completely ignored as Ram shouted out while jumping up and down enthusiastically.

"Yeah! This is going to be super awesome! Me and Rom are totally going to kick all your butts!"

"Not if I kick yours first!" Neptune countered, clearly hyped up for the event as well. "Me and Nepgear are definitely going to score first place!"

Nepgear turned to Vert with a questioning look as sparks began to fly between the two children in the background.

"So this will be a tag-team event?" she asked, picking up on the implication of Ram's statement.

"Of course!" Vert answered. "In fact, I would be more than happy to have you as my-"

"Ahem," Blanc interrupted with a scowl. "Did you already forget that the Racing Committee and Tourist Board wanted us to participate as partners for the event? It was part of the contract we signed."

Vert let out a rather theatrical sigh to this.

"Oh, phooey. And I was so looking forward to having Nepgear all to myself throughout the race."

"NO! Nepgear is mine!" Neptune's voice shouted out, her form obscured by the giant dust-cloud brawl she was having with Ram.

Nepgear gave an uneasy laugh at all the commotion her sister was making before turning to Blanc.

"By the way, are we allowed to build our own karts for the event?"

Blanc gave a nod. "As long as it doesn't violate any of the stated guidelines which I'll be e-mailing to all of you later today."

Having recovered from her earlier shock, Uni turned to address her sister.

"I guess this doesn't sound as bad as I first thought. Why don't we try competing in it as well?"

Noire still looked uncertain though as she kept her arms crossed.

"I don't know Uni. This event primarily benefits Leanbox and Lowee. Even if it does sound fun I don't think we should-"

"The prize money for first place is five hundred million Credits," Vert said with a smug smile.

Noire was already heading towards the door before Uni could say anything.

"Let's go Uni. We have a kart to build."

Uni barely had time to say a quick goodbye to Nepgear before she hurried after her sister.

"Ehehe. I guess even Noire can't resist all that money," Nepgear remarked. Continuing to ignore her older sister, she turned to the remaining CPUs. "I'll be leaving now too then. I need to design the blueprint for the kart and pick up the needed parts."

As the young tinkerer left the party, Vert noticed Blanc looking rather troubled.

"Is something the matter Blanc?"

The Lowee CPU responded with a large sigh.

"It's probably nothing but... I'm suddenly getting a really bad feeling about all this."

Much to her annoyance, Vert passed off her concern with an amused laugh.

"Oh, Blanc. It's probably just your nerves getting the better of you. Rest assured, my driving skills are more than sufficient to carry us to first place."

Blanc gave an irritated growl at this but decided not to rise to the bait.

"Besides," Vert continued in a reassuring manner. "It's just a little kart race between friends. What's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

The day of the race soon arrived to much fanfare. The Northern Leanbox beach town that had been selected as the event's venue was packed to the brim with thousands upon thousands of spectators and tourists. Matching them were the countless vendors at the site providing everything from food stuffs to various souvenirs. At the town center, a large show stage had been set up to accommodate the various bands and idol groups that had been hired to play as part of the pre-event show. The only place that was not crowded was, ironically enough, the pristine beaches as the area had been closed off as part of the race track. At the moment, only the racers and various staff members were present at the designated pit stop as they finished checking over their vehicles one last time.

_Okay, suspension systems are good to go and the fuel tank is full,_ Nepgear noted. _All that's left to do is double-check the-_

"Nepgear, are you here?"

"Ah, Neptune!" Nepgear called over, waving her arms towards her sister. "I'm over here!"

The Planeptune CPU quickly made her way through the bustling area before stopping in front of the vehicle that Nepgear was standing in front of.

"Whoa! So this is our ride huh?" Neptune remarked in an awed voice. "It looks amazing Nepgear!"

Nepgear gave a proud smile at the compliment. Her latest creation, the _Nepmobile 5000_, had taken her the better part of three days to fully construct from scratch. Built in the shape of a small dune buggy, the kart featured a state-of-the-art 150cc share-powered engine, cutting-edge handling, and tires made from a newly synthesized variety of rubber that could provide excellent traction even in the sandiest of terrains. To top it all off, Nepgear had given it a purple-and-white paint job that literally shined with perfection.

_It's too bad there were so many restrictions on what I could put on the kart,_ Nepgear lamented. _I would've loved to have added in an additional warp-drive engine and a few plasma turrets._

"By the way, why didn't you let me take a peek at it until now?" Neptune asked, breaking Nepgear out of her thoughts.

"Oh! I just wanted to surprise you with the finished product," Nepgear replied, the smile she put on looking a bit forced.

In truth, she had simply wanted to keep Neptune as far away from her project until she had fully installed all of the proper child-safety features onto the kart. The last thing she had wanted was for Neptune to somehow get herself stuck in the engine after all (it had happened before).

"Heh, you always did like to show off with your new inventions," Neptune said, completely unaware of the truth. "Either way, we're sure to win with an amazing kart like this!"

"Hmph, I wouldn't be so sure about that."

The Planeptune sisters turned to find Noire and Uni walking over to them.

"Oh yeah?" Neptune challenged, not missing a beat. "So where's your kart then?"

Noire gestured behind her with a rather smug look. Several yards away, a large group of Lastation technicians were seen tuning up a kart shaped like a sleek black sports car.

"It's made with the latest in Lastation tech," Noire announced proudly. "You'd be hard-pressed to find a more impressive racing vehicle than this."

"Nuh uh! Nepgear's kart is the greatest! It can beat your crappy kart any day of the week!"

Nepgear and Uni both gave a sigh as they stepped a few feet away from their bickering sisters.

"So have you scoped out the rest of the competition yet?" Uni asked.

Nepgear shook her head. "No, I've been too busy running a last-minute check-up on my kart. Why, are there any interesting racers asides from us?"

"Well... I guess you can say that," Uni replied, gesturing over towards her far left.

Nepgear had to crane her neck to look over the various crew members milling about but she eventually spotted who Uni was mentioning.

"Wait, is that Affimojas?!" Nepgear asked in surprise. "And Steamax too! What are they doing here?"

"The event organizers obviously wanted all their racers to be people with big names," Uni explained. "And like it or not, Affimojas does have a rather large influence with his information blog and all his money."

Nepgear gave a nod to this before she slowly looked back over to her friend with a teasing look. "Heh heh. I bet your rather happy that Steamax is here, aren't you?"

As expected, Uni blushed a fierce red as she immediately went into denial.

"What?! N...No way! Why would I be happy to see that dumb bucket of-"

"Lady Uni! I didn't know you were participating in this race as well!"

Uni looked positively mortified as the aforementioned robot suddenly approached her.

"Sorry for eavesdropping but I heard you say something about a bucket? Cause if you need one I can immediately go fetch one for you," Steamax happily offered. Uni, for her part, simply turned more red as she couldn't seem to determine whether or not to shoot him.

Deciding not to get caught up in this, Nepgear quietly sneaked off with a soft laugh.

The Planeptune CPU Candidate figured she had checked up on her kart enough times and decided to take a look at all the other racers as Uni had suggested. Several minutes of walking later, she had a firm grasp on all the other competitors. There was Blanc and Vert with a kart shaped like royal coach, Rom and Ram with a miniature train engine, C-Sha and B-Sha in a rather beaten-up-looking sedan, K-Sha and S-Sha in a black convertible, and finally Uzume and Big Neptune in a bizarre kart shaped like a chili-dog. In total, it appeared that there was to be eight different two-man teams competing in the race.

_That makes things easier,_ Nepgear noted. _I saw a few recent tournaments having up to twelve karts in a race. With only eight teams, it shouldn't be as chaotic as the videos I've watched._

Right as she finished her thought, the PA system blared to life as one of the event organizers announced that the race would begin in few minutes. Feeling a lot more confident of her chances now, Nepgear made her way back towards her kart as all the extra crewmen and technicians made their way out of the pit. As she passed by Blanc and Vert though she happened to overhear their conversation.

"Hm... perhaps I should've worn a swimsuit instead of my normal dress," Vert contemplated. "We are at a beach after all."

"Oh, shut it," Blanc snapped. "Partnering up with you is enough of a pain without you showing off those damn cow udders of yours."

Sweatdropping a bit, Nepgear quickly headed off as the two engaged in their usual dispute.

"Oh there you are Nepgear!" Neptune greeted as Nepgear made it back to their kart. Apparently she had already settled everything with Noire during her absence. "I was wondering if I needed to send out the Nepgear search party again!"

"I was just taking a look at our competition," Nepgear answered cheerfully, taking her sister's joke in stride (at least, she hoped it was a joke).

"You did?! Who are they? Wait, don't answer. I'm going to find out for myself!"

Nepgear smiled at her sister's overabundance of energy as the CPU peered over at the gathered racers.

"Ooh! Big me is in this race too! I guess that means I have twice the chance of winning now!"

Nepgear gave a small laugh at her sister's logic before replying.

"There's only one of me though so I'd like to be the one to win."

Neptune gave her a beaming smile as she gave her a thumbs-up.

"Don't sweat it! With your awesome sister by your side, we'll be sure to get first place!"

Oddly enough, Nepgear could not help but believe her as she gave a determined smile of her own.

_We can win this, I know we can._

As the two sisters shared a nod, the announcer called out the racers to the starting line as the race finally began.

* * *

_Hm... starting in third place position,_ Noire assessed._ I suppose that's not too bad._

Being the official representatives of the nations co-hosting the event, Blanc and Vert had been given the honor of starting in first place. The rest had all been assigned a position from a random number ballot. The luckiest of the bunch were Affimojas and Steamax who were sitting comfortably in second place on their battleship-shaped kart. And of course, starting in third place was none other than the unstoppable tag-team of Noire and Uni.

_Perfect, _Noire thought as she eyed the robot duo in front of them._ I can use this opportunity to deal with Uni's robot stalker_.

Uni apparently took notice of the dangerous look on her sister's face as she suddenly spoke up.

"Um... Noire? I know you don't like Steamax but he's really not all that bad. N...Not that I care about him or anything. I just... I mean... he is a rather nice guy and... A...Anyways, can you please try not to hurt him too much... please?"

This only further strengthened Noire's resolve to turn the robot ninja into roadkill.

Uni let out a sigh as she made a rather obvious attempt to change the subject.

"Looks like Neptune and Nepgear are in sixth place. We should probably focus on them the most for this race. Knowing Nepgear's talent with machinery, their kart is probably going to be our biggest competition."

Before Noire could answer, the announcer – who apparently happened to be a tall Dogoo Man – spoke up in his booming voice.

"Ladies, gentleman, monsters, and robots! The Great Summer Grand Prix is about to begin! All the racers have taken up their positions and are ready to go!"

A large cheer went up from the bleachers at the edge of the road. Deciding not to disappoint her fans, Noire gave a confident wave towards the crowd as the rest of the racers did the same. This caused the audience to cheer even louder as the entire air seemed to buzz with excitement.

"Alright then! Let's get this race underway!" the announcer yelled.

As he said this, Noire was met with the bizarre sight of a small yellow dog flying over to them using what appeared to be a jet pack. Even more weird was that the dog carried a fishing pole with a sideways traffic signal attached to the end of its line.

_Huh, must be a citizen of Lowee,_ Noire offhandedly thought. _Probably from that weird village run by animals that I've heard about._

Her thoughts were interrupted as the announcer spoke up again.

"The referee has taken to the track! The race will begin at the green light!"

Noire tightened her grip on the steering wheel as she felt Uni tense up behind her as well.

"Three!"

The first red light appeared on the traffic signal as the tension built even more.

"Two!"

A bead of sweat appeared on Noire's face as the second light turned on.

"One!"

Noire took a deep breath as she steeled her nerves.

"GO!"

The moment the lights all turned green, Noire floored the accelerator as she shot out of the gate.

"And it appears that everyone except for K-Sha and S-Sha have managed to get a boost start!" Noire heard the announcer yell. "However, they can easily catch up by-"

Noire tuned him out at that point as she turned all of her focus onto the road. From the info Blanc had provided, she knew that the race would begin on the town road before turning down onto a gently sloping curve down onto the beach itself. From there, she would need to make it to the far end of the beach before making it up another curve up to the town road once again to complete her lap.

_Only two main curves in this track,_ she rapidly calculated._ That means I have to get a drift boost at both those spots to maximize my speed._

As she and the other racers approached the first curve, Noire suddenly saw an opportunity.

_Looks like those idiot robots are going for a wide drift across this curve,_ she noted as she quickly came up with a strategy._ Hm... if I do this then I'll definitely be passed by a few of the other racers but it shouldn't really matter this early on in the match._

"Noire?" Uni called out. "Why aren't you-"

"Hang on tight Uni. Things are about to get a little bumpy."

Rather than sticking close to the inside of the curve like most of the other racers were doing, Noire instead went wide as she aimed her kart towards her target.

"Noire, you can't be serious!" Uni yelled as she realized what her sister was planning.

The Lastation CPU ignored her as she charged straight towards Affimojas's battleship with a fierce look. Just as she hoped, the robot general remained completely unaware of her approach until their karts collided.

Noire could not help but let out a grin as the robots (as well as Uni) let out a scream. With lightning fast reflexes, she turned her wheel sharply into a drift just as their karts bounced off each other. Using the momentum from the collision, she swerved her vehicle back onto the road before letting go of her drift boost to zoom back to top speed. Behind them, Affimojas and Steamax had not been so lucky as their kart spun completely off-road.

"Ha! Eat my dust you pervy rust buckets!" Noire yelled out triumphantly.

Behind her, Uni could not help but sweatdrop as she began wondering if she should have partnered up with Nepgear instead.

* * *

"Haha! Looks like Noire really had it out for those two!" Neptune laughed.

Nepgear didn't bother to reply as she kept her eyes on the road. Thanks to the distraction that Noire's stunt provided, Nepgear had managed to slip past most of the other racers and was now right on the tail of Vert and Blanc who were still in the lead.

"We're nearing the first item boxes!" she yelled as the curve they were on began to even out.

"Don't worry! With my protagonist powers we'll be sure to get a super strong item!"

Nepgear did not get a chance to tell her sister that she really wasn't the protagonist of this story as they ran through the large semi-transparent item cubes on the road.

"Alright, let's see what we get!"

In the middle of Neptune's palm, images of various items were cycling about like a roulette until it eventually stopped and turned into a physical object.

"Wait, what?" Neptune said, holding up the item she got in confusion. "Why did I get Blanc's hat?"

"Neptune, didn't you read about the updated item list?!" Nepgear shouted out, trying to keep their kart steady as the stone road gave way to the sandy beach.

"Oh that. It was too long and boring so I took a nap instead."

"It was only two pages long!" Nepgear shouted out, her frustration leaking out despite her best efforts.

_I can't believe she didn't- No, I can't lose my cool over this,_ she mentally berated herself._ I need to calm down and just walk Neptune through this like always._

"Those hats are our main projectiles," Nepgear explained. "The white hats fire off in a straight line, pink ones home in on the racer in front of you, and the blue ones hunt down the racer in first place and blow them up."

"Hm, yeah. I think I got it now," Neptune nodded. "Kinda funny how Rom's hat is the first place killer though. Then again I've never seen her get mad so maybe she's actually the scariest-"

"Neptune can you just throw the hat already?!" Nepgear cut off. "Blanc and Vert are right in front of us!"

Much to the CPU Candidate's relief, her sister did as told as she raised her arm to line up her shot.

"Hehe this is going to be an easy- Oooh! Look Nepgear! There's giant watermelons lying around on the beach!"

Nepgear had to resist the urge to facepalm.

"Yes, I know! They're part of the course's obstacles!" she shouted out. "Now can you please just throw the hat already?!"

* * *

"Really? Giant watermelons?" Blanc questioned from behind Vert.

"They're a Leanbox specialty," the Leanbox CPU answered proudly. "The Racing Committee was rather panicked when their shipment of mutant ducks were delayed so I suggested we put these here as obstacles instead."

Blanc took another glance at the human-sized melons littering the beach before giving a dark scowl.

"You and your fucking over-sized melons," she angrily muttered.

"Hm? Did you say something?"

Before Blanc could answer, a familiar white muffin hat went zooming past their side. As the duo watched, the hat continued to fly forward before ricocheting off a nearby watermelon and heading back behind them. Seconds later a large explosion was heard as a pair of familiar screams soon followed

"Heh. Looks like Neptune's a lousy shot as always," Blanc laughed, her earlier irritation swiftly fading away.

"I do feel a bit sorry for poor Nepgear but I suppose it can't be helped. As they say, all's fair in love and-"

Vert's sentence was cut short as an alarm began ringing out from their kart. The duo had just a second to look confused before an ominous whistling sound was heard as something approached them at high speeds.

"It... It can't be!" Vert shouted out in disbelief.

Blanc braved a backwards glance before seeing that their worst fears were true. As the object of their doom swiftly approached, she exploded into an incredulous rage.

"WHO THE FUCK GOT A BLUE HAT THIS EARLY ON IN THE RACE?!"

* * *

The explosion was visible all the way from sixth place as Blanc's furious scream rent the air.

"Heh heh. Nice one Rom."

The older twin simply answered with a deceptively cute smile.

* * *

K-Sha was not having a fun time. She had originally wanted to partner up with C-Sha but B-Sha had already claimed the buxom fighter for herself before she had even gotten a chance to ask. As a result, she had been forced to team up with S-Sha instead. This turned out to be less than ideal as the stoic Gold Third member seemed completely disinterested in the race. It had taken countless hours of persuasion and bribery with numerous expensive pastries to even get S-Sha to agree to participate.

Unfortunately her problems did not end there as S-Sha had refused to ride in anything other than her prized convertible. This had forced K-Sha to spend even more time and money to create a miniaturized kart version of that blasted car. Luckily, S-Sha had approved of the vehicle and had agreed to ride in it (in the backseat of course). Unluckily, K-Sha had spent so much time focusing on the kart's outer looks that she had not had time to make adjustments for the race track's sandy terrain. As such, the kart was barely able to trudge through the beach as the duo quickly dropped all the way down to last place.

"So... um... what item did we get?" K-Sha asked, finally managing to drive through one the item boxes that everyone else had passed by ages ago.

S-Sha, who was currently wearing her sunglasses, wordlessly looked at the item that appeared in her palm before giving an aloof shrug.

K-Sha could feel her patience nearing its end as she strained to keep her tone civil.

"Well, aren't you going to use it?"

S-Sha actually had the nerve to cross her arms behind her head as she leaned back in her seat.

"...Not interested."

K-Sha was briefly tempted to pull out her Uzis and go full killer mercenary on her partner before she suddenly thought up a less bloody alternative.

"E-Sha! Can you please just throw the item you got? I'll buy you that strawberry pastry you like after the race!"

Though she could not see it, K-Sha was sure that S-Sha's eye-color had changed from red to green as she gave a slight nod.

"...Yes."

E-Sha then threw the item in her hand without even looking to see what it was.

Without any warning, a gigantic Metal Dogoo suddenly spawned in front of the duo's kart. A stunned K-Sha had just enough time to take notice of the large metal chain that somehow linked their kart to the Metal Dogoo before the giant monster suddenly blasted forward.

* * *

"Ugh. I did not expect Noire to pull such a brutal tactic against us," Affimojas grumbled. "One would think she had some sort of personal vendetta against us."

"Well, you did post all those weird stories about her and K-Sha on your blog General," Steamax reminded from the backseat. "Not to mention, I get the odd feeling she has some sort of personal bias against me for some reason."

"Ah, worry not my dear Steamax," Affimojas reassured. "I'm sure that's just your imagin- Hm? Is it just me or does the ground suddenly feel a lot bumpier than before?"

"Um... I think that's because the ground is actually shaking General. But that's strange, I've read that earthquakes are extremely uncommon in this part of-"

That was all he managed to say before the two were promptly run over by a giant Metal Dogoo.

* * *

"...and there goes Uzume," C-Sha guessed based on the scream.

The Metal Dogoo that had suddenly appeared had been utterly terrorizing the rear end of the race as several of the other racers had found themselves being turned to roadkill by the gigantic monstrosity. And now, the large metal beast was hot on the tail of C-Sha and B-Sha.

"It's getting closer!" B-Sha shouted, panic in her eyes.

C-Sha, however, kept her cool as she assessed the situation.

She was now nearing the halfway point of the course denoted by the large rock formation that formed an archway over the beach. More importantly though was the fact that the second batch of item boxes lay underneath this area.

"Hang on!" C-Sha cried, pushing her vehicle to its limit as she barreled desperately towards the item boxes.

Their kart was practically jumping up and down from the tremors caused by the oncoming Dogoo as B-Sha let out a terrified squeak and closed her eyes. Just when it seemed that they too would be trampled by the great beast, they ran through the nearest item box.

"Use it!" C-Sha yelled, not caring what item it was as long as it saved them from the Dogoo.

Thankfully, B-Sha managed to respond despite her terror as she activated her item.

Just as the Metal Dogoo reached them, a sudden burst of rainbow-colored light enveloped the duo. The next thing they knew, the Metal Dogoo was blasted violently to the side the moment it made contact with them. As C-Sha and B-Sha watched with wide eyes, the large monster soared through the sky with the kart chained to its end trailing along behind it. C-Sha had just enough time to recognize the scream coming from the vehicle to be K-Sha's before both the Metal Dogoo and the kart splashed into the deep end of the ocean.

"What... just happened?" B-Sha asked, too stunned to question why they were still shining with a rainbow light.

C-Sha quickly recovered as she turned her eyes back to the road.

"You must've gotten a share crystal," she explained. "It gives a temporary invincibility as well as a slight speed boost."

"Oh." B-Sha took a couple more seconds to gather her bearings before a wide grin appeared on her face. "Hey, we're still invincible! Let's go knock out a few more of our competition then!"

"Way ahead of you," C-Sha replied with a matching grin, aiming their glowing kart towards the black sports car in front of them.

* * *

"WAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

"Ouch," Neptune commented with an exaggerated wince. "Looks like Noire just got taken out by C-Sha."

"Neptune can you just tell me what item we got already?!" Nepgear shouted out from the front.

Despite their earlier setback, Nepgear had managed to maneuver all the way back up to first place thanks to the timely blue hat that had struck Blanc and Vert. Of course, the green and white duo were hot on their tails as they rapidly approached the curve heading back up to the town road.

"Oh, right. We got an item." There was a brief pause as Neptune finally checked the item they had gotten at the halfway point. "Looks like a- Wowza! It's a giant pudding!"

"Pudding?" Nepgear repeated in confusion. Her eyes suddenly widened though as she remembered what exactly the item did. "Wait, Neptune! Don't eat it yet! It'll cause us to-"

Neptune clearly did not hear her as she practically inhaled the snack which in turn activated its effect.

Nepgear could only scream as their kart blasted forward at rocket speed. Unfortunately, she had not been prepared for the sudden speed boost and had lost all control. In the blink of an eye, the kart shot past the upwards curve and instead barreled straight into middle of the ocean.

Even as the kart disappeared into the blue depths, Nepgear's muffled yell could still somehow be heard.

"NEP *glub* TUUUUUUUUNE!"

* * *

"When I get my hands on the fucktard who threw that blue hat, I'm going to-"

"Let it go already Blanc," Vert sighed. "Thanks to Neptune's mishap, we're back in first place so there's no need to stress out over past events."

Blanc continued to let out an angry grumble but overall seemed to calm down a bit.

"C-Sha's share crystal just ran out," the Lowee CPU eventually reported, looking back over at the closest racer behind them.

Vert gave a nod of acknowledgment before drifting into the curve. By now the sand had given way to the stone street once more as the duo came out of the curve and onto the last batch of item boxes.

"Let's hope we get something useful," Vert said, releasing their kart's drift boost and into the boxes.

"Eggplant," Blanc reported a few seconds later, holding up the item she just got.

"Excellent. We can use it to protect ourselves from... well, speak of the devil."

Their kart's alarm once again rang out to notify them of an incoming projectile. Luckily, the hat that was coming towards them this time was a pink one rather than a blue one.

"It appears B-Sha's getting a bit hasty with her items," Vert noted in amusement.

Blanc shared a grin before tossing behind the eggplant she had just gotten. As planned, the purple veggie intercepted the incoming hat as both items blew up.

"You have to do better than that to take us down!" Blanc taunted behind her.

Right as she said that, a bolt of lightning struck them down causing them to shrink as well as spin out of control.

"Motherfu-!"

* * *

"Heheh. I love the lightning bolt item," Rom giggled in amusement.

"Me too! Running over everyone after you shrink them down is the best!"

Ram gave a laugh as they proceeded to crush the tiny screaming forms of Affimojas and Steamax.

* * *

Nepgear was still giving her older sister the stink eye as their kart was fished out of the ocean by the yellow dog referee.

"Ehehe. Sorry Nepgear," Neptune apologized, rubbing the back of her sheepishly. "You know me, I just can't resist when there's a perfectly good pudding in front of me."

Nepgear let out a sigh as she found she could not stay mad at her sister for long.

"It's fine. Just try not to eat it right away the next time we get one."

Neptune replied with her ever-cheerful smile. "You got it!"

As the referee dropped them down back onto the course, Nepgear gave her (at least Nepgear thought the dog was a she) a grateful wave before zooming back down the road.

"Huh. Why's everyone suddenly tiny?" Neptune asked, taking notice of the other racers in front and behind her.

"They must've been hit by a lightning bolt," Nepgear deduced, suddenly feeling a whole lot better about their situation. "We're probably the only ones who weren't affected because we were underwater at the time."

"Haha, guess my mistake actually ended up helping us," Neptune said proudly.

"We're still rather far behind though," Nepgear countered. "Plus, the lightning bolt effect won't last long on the people that were further back."

Even as she said this, Noire sprang back up to her full size right as they both crossed the starting line and began their second lap.

"Heya Noire!" Neptune cheerfully greeted. "How's it-"

Noire was clearly not in the mood to chat as she sharply turned her wheel and sent her kart smashing into the side of Nepgear's. The CPU Candidate barely managed to keep them from spiraling out of control as she quickly steadied her kart.

"Nepu! What was that for?!" Neptune cried out indignantly.

"Shut it Neptune," Noire said through gritted teeth. "I've already been waylaid enough. I'm going to take you two out right here!"

Just as she was about to ram into the Planeptune sisters' kart once more, a brown blur suddenly shot past between them.

"What the-?"

* * *

"Keep it coming Big Nepsy!"

Big Neptune happily complied as she ate the second of the three puddings she had gotten from the last item box.

"Aye aye Captain Uzume!"

Uzume could not help but smile as they once again boosted forward at breakneck speeds. Being something of a thrill-seeker, she relished the massive adrenaline rush that came from zooming down the road at such dangerous speeds. Even as they approached the beginning curve down to the beach she did not slow down a bit. Instead she made a drift hard enough to nearly send their odd, chili-dog-shaped kart flipping over. However, the tomboyish CPU was a skilled enough driver to shift her weight to the side and keep the vehicle steady enough to safely get around the entire curve.

"Woohoo!"

With their last pudding boost, the duo swiftly overtook C-Sha's team as well as Vert's as they rocketed across the beach. Grinning at the shocked looks on their opponent's faces, Uzume continued on forward towards the halfway point.

"Nothing can stop us now!" she yelled triumphantly.

And of course, that was when the second blue hat of the game made its appearance.

* * *

"Wow," Ram said with a failed attempt to whistle. "I think that explosion was even bigger than the last one!"

Rom once again just gave a satisfied smile at her handiwork.

* * *

"Who the fuck keeps throwing these blue hats?!"

Unfortunately for Vert and Blanc, they had been caught up in the enormous blue explosion as well causing them to spin out. The only bright side was that C-Sha and B-Sha had suffered the same fate as them as they - along with a still-smoking Uzume and Big Nep - struggled to get back up to their top speeds. Sadly, Noire and Nepgear had taken full advantage of the situation as the two hurtled past the waylaid racers to claim the top spot.

"I must admit, even I'm starting to get frustrated by all these setbacks," Vert said, a rare scowl on her face.

"Grrr... Let's just hope we can get a good item from- Why is the ground suddenly shaking?"

Both of them had just enough time to look back before a giant Metal Dogoo ran them over.

* * *

"...I think I'll name him Wakka."

K-Sha barely managed to turn her head and give her partner a raised eyebrow as they continued to be dragged along by their destructive minion.

"Wakka?"

S-Sha simply gave a shrug before crossing her arms behind her head again.

"...He just looks like a Wakka to me."

K-Sha continuously looked between her partner and the Metal Dogoo for a few seconds before eventually shaking her head.

And people called _her_ the crazy one of the group.

* * *

"Looks like there's a Metal Dogoo coming up from- oh wait, it just timed out," Uni reported.

Noire gave the barest hint of a nod as she kept her eyes locked on Nepgear. The two drivers had passed the halfway point and were now approaching the upwards curve once again. Both parties had acquired a white hat from the item boxes earlier and had canceled out each others' shot with it. Now it was all up to pure driving skill to determine who would get up to the town road first.

_I need to get on the inside of the curve,_ Noire thought as she once again tried to overtake Nepgear. Unfortunately, the younger girl was not having any of that as she continued to expertly block off her approach from ahead.

_Tch. I'm running out of time here. We only have a few more meters to go before the curve and I need to get into a better position before then._

As the turning point came closer and closer, Noire decided to take a risky gamble. After taking a deep breath, she made what appeared to be a rather obvious turn towards the left. As expected, Nepgear immediately moved that way as well to block her off once more. Seeing this, Noire let out a smirk.

Unbeknownst to Nepgear, Noire had made a slight drift during her turn. A drift that lasted just long enough to activate a drift boost. Before Nepgear could react, Noire let go of the boost as her kart blasted forward. Just as she had hoped, the boost allowed her squeeze in to the side of Nepgear.

"Yes! Take that!" Noire yelled triumphantly, having now claimed the inner wall as they approached the curve.

"Nice one sis!" Uni shouted out as they began their drift along the curve.

Noire could not help but give a smile at this. With their current positions, Nepgear would be forced to take a wider drift which would give Noire a slight lead once they came out onto the straight. After that, she could simply block off Nepgear's approach just as the CPU Candidate had done and...

"What?!"

Uni's yell broke her out of her thoughts as Noire looked over to her left where Nepgear was. As expected, the younger girl was taking a wider drift across the curve. However, she quickly noticed something that she had not accounted for.

Instead of the usual blue sparks that signified a drift boost, the sparks on Nepgear's kart had turned red.

Recognizing what it was, Noire could not stop her eyes from widening in surprise.

_Multi-Boost Drifting!_

Considered an extremely advanced racing technique, only the most veteran of racers could manage such a feat. If performed correctly, it would give the user twice the amount of speed and distance of a regular boost. However, attempting a multi-boost drift without the proper skills had an extremely high chance of sending the racer's kart careening out of control. However, it appeared that the young tinkerer had somehow managed to master it and was now flawlessly executing it before her.

With confident smirk on her face (as well as an infuriatingly taunting wave from Neptune), Nepgear released the multi-boost right as they made it out onto the straight. As Noire watched in disbelief, the Planeptune duo zoomed far ahead of her as they once again took the lead.

"NOOO!" Noire yelled out in frustration.

Sadly for her, her terrible luck decided to make her suffer even more as a white hat suddenly hit her from behind.

* * *

"Wooooo! Nice driving Nepgear! I didn't know you could do something like that!"

Nepgear gave a small laugh as they entered their final lap.

"Oh, it was nothing. After all, driving a kart is ridiculously easy compared to piloting a giant mech."

Neptune shared in her laughter at that.

"Haha! You've definitely got a point there!"

"Still, it's too bad we missed all of the item boxes back there," Nepgear lamented. "I was so focused on drifting that I didn't manage to run through one."

Neptune took a quick glance behind her before giving a wide grin.

"It's fine. It looks like someone managed to score a hit on Noire and slow her down for us."

Nepgear could not help but smile as well at this.

"Perfect! If they all start slowing each other down, then we can slip even further ahead without too much trouble."

Her hopes actually came true for once as nothing appeared to slow them down. Without any distractions, Nepgear easily managed to perform a multi-boost down the first curve and zoomed down to the beach in record time.

"So what did we get?" Nepgear asked as they passed through the first batch of item boxes.

"Its... AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Nepgear nearly overturned their kart as she attempted to see what had caused her sister to panic.

"Neptune, what's wrong?!" she asked while simultaneously trying to steady the kart.

"It... it... it's an eggplant!"

Nepgear sweatdropped at this revelation as she tried to calm her sister.

"It's just an item Neptune. I'm sure it's not real."

"No! The pudding actually tasted like real pudding! That means this eggplant is also real!"

Before Nepgear could stop her, the Planeptune CPU chucked the eggplant into the sea.

"Begone foul veggie!"

"Neptune!" Nepgear berated. "We could have used that to block incoming hats!"

"Bah, I'd rather get hit by a hundred blue hats than hold onto that embodiment of pure evil for one more second!"

Nepgear held her breath as she waited for exactly that to occur. As the seconds ticked by with only the sound of their kart's engine and the nearby waves being heard, she allowed herself to relax just a bit.

"Please don't tempt fate like that Neptune," Nepgear sighed. "The last thing I want is to be blown up by a bunch of blue hats when we're so close to winning."

"Ahh, you worry too much Nepgear," Neptune replied, trying to wipe off her hands on the kart's seat. "Don't forget that your awesome sister has an unbeatable plot armor protecting her!"

"Neptune... you really aren't this story's... never mind."

For a while, nothing interesting happened as they approached the stone archway signifying the halfway point. Unfortunately, they once again received an eggplant from the item boxes which soon found itself flying into the ocean as well, courtesy of Neptune.

"Neptune!"

"No! I don't want to hold it!"

Not for the first time in her life, Nepgear felt as if she was dealing with a younger sister rather than an older one.

_It's fine. Everything is fine, _she told herself with a sigh. _We just need to make it up that curve and we'll be good._

As they approached the end of the beach, Nepgear could not help but feel a small sense of relief.

_See? It all turned out okay. Now I just need to- Wait, is that the proximity alarm? And what's that whistling- OH MY GOODNESS! IT'S NOT FINE! EVERYTHING IS NOT-_

Her panicked thoughts were cut short as the dreaded blue hat dive-bombed them. For a couple seconds all Nepgear could register was the color blue and a massive amount of heat. Luckily, her share energy managed to protect her from the worst of the explosion but she still felt as if she had been blasted by a dozen air cannons at full force. As the blue finally faded from her vision, she saw that the kart had thankfully survived the apocalyptic blast. And of course, by some bizarre logic, she still remained in her seat despite having been blown sky high.

"Ooogh... I thought these hats were supposed to be nerfed versions of the Blue Shell," Neptune groaned.

"That _was_ a nerfed explosion," Nepgear replied, still feeling a bit dizzy as well. "We'd probably be a scorch mark on the ground if we got hit by a real Blue Shell."

Neptune was just about to say something when the sound of approaching engines reached them.

"Ahhh! They're catching up to us!" the CPU yelled instead. "Hurry Nepgear! Floor it!"

Nepgear did as told as she pressed the accelerator as far as it could go.

"Come on, come on," she muttered as they manually drove up the curve. Sadly, at their current speed, it had been impossible to perform a drift. Hearing the sound of the nearby engines grow even louder, Nepgear began beating one of her fist against the steering wheel in frustration. "Move! We're almost-"

She was cut off when a bolt of lightning suddenly struck them causing them to shrink down as well as spin out.

"NO!" Nepgear shouted out in a squeaky voice.

The only saving grace about the situation was that everyone else seemed to have gotten hit by the lightning as well as none of the other racers seemed to be approaching closer. Realizing she still had a chance, Nepgear drove their miniaturized kart forward and made it out onto the straight.

"They're right behind us!" Neptune yelled, just as they drove through the last set of item boxes. "We need to... Oh! A hat!"

"Throw it!" Nepgear yelled in a panic.

Neptune actually did as told for once as she hurled the white muffin hat. Miraculously, it seemed to hit someone though Nepgear did not bother to look back as she drove desperately towards the finish line.

_Just a few hundred meters left! We're almost-!_

That was when a pink hat suddenly impacted against them causing them to spin out once more.

"First place is mine!" Noire yelled triumphantly as she zoomed ahead...

...only to be smacked with a white hat a second later.

"Woo! Got em in one!"

Big Nep and Uzume's cheering was rather short-lived, however, as they were suddenly launched into the air by a rainbow-colored battleship.

"Yes! Victory belongs to-!"

Affimojas and Steamax's invincibility ran out just as a ricocheting white hat nailed them from the side.

"Move it! We have a race to win!"

Vert and Blanc barely managed to make it a dozen meters before an eggplant suddenly landed right in front of them.

"Don't forget to eat your veggies!" C-Sha yelled out as the white and green duo spun out.

Unfortunately, the road was rather congested at this point as the effects of the lightning bolt had run out and everyone was back to their normal sizes. Even so, C-Sha and B-Sha probably could have navigated through the cluttered mess. Probably, because that was the moment the ground suddenly began to shake.

"NOT AGAIN!" Affimojas, Steamax, Uzume, Big Nep, Blanc, Vert, C-Sha, and B-Sha shouted out simultaneously.

"Get'em Wakka!" K-Sha's voice was heard yelling, her form obscured by the giant Metal Dogoo in front of her.

The giant monster obediently leaped into the air before it utterly flattened the screaming racers. However, the summoned monster timed out right afterwards leaving K-Sha and S-Sha stuck right in the middle of their crushed competition.

"Darn, looks like our tires got blown out," K-Sha noted as their kart refused to budge.

S-Sha, however, hardly seemed to care as she leaned back in her seat once more.

"...doesn't matter. We're not going to win this race anyways."

"What do you mean?"

With agonizing slowness, S-Sha lazily raised a hand before slowly pointing behind her.

"OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Blanc screamed out.

Everyone shared the exact same sentiment as for the final time that day an enormous blue explosion lit up the sunny tropical paradise.

* * *

A chorus of pained groans echoed out from the hastily constructed medical tent. Inside, all of the racers were lying in beds as each of them were covered in a full-body cast. Well, everyone asides from Affimojas, Steamax, and the twins. The two robots had been literally blasted to pieces in the explosion. Luckily, their central processors had remained intact as they were currently stored in two small devices shaped like USB drives while their bodies were being repaired. As for the twins...

"I'm gonna kill those little shits," Blanc angrily muttered, wincing in pain as she spoke each word. "As soon as I can move, I'm going to grab my hammer and send them to a new dimension of pain."

Normally, C-Sha would have tried to calm her down but at the moment the Gold Third leader was not feeling very happy with the little troublemakers either.

"Owww..." Neptune loudly groaned once again. "My everything hurts."

"Shut it Neptune," Noire growled from the next bed over. "You're not the only one suffering right now."

"Ugh... By the way," Uzume croaked out. "Did they announce who won the race yet?"

Vert answered with a pained cough. "No one won. Or at least, they couldn't decide."

"What... oww... do you mean?" K-Sha asked.

"T...Too many variables," Vert elaborated. "Nepgear and Neptune's kart was *cough* thrown across the finish line but they weren't in it. On...On the other hand, Uni, Blanc, and Uzume were flung into the line but weren't in their karts. Everyone else's karts were destroyed and pieces of it all crossed the finish line at *cough* the same time as the rest."

Everyone stayed silent for a long while as they processed this.

"So... what happens to the money?" B-Sha asked.

"They'll *cough* probably just use it to cover all our medical expenses."

Everyone let out a groan that was only partially due to their pain this time.

Right then, Ram and Rom entered the tent looking far too happy for the occasion.

"Hey! We got some good news!" Ram shouted, her obnoxiously loud voice causing nearly everyone to wince in pain. The only one who seemed relatively unaffected was Blanc but that was only due to her making feral animal noises at the two.

"You... You little... I'm gonna... Pound you into... Break... Bone... Rip... Tear... Rawr!"

"What kind of good news could you possibly have for us?" Noire scoffed, completely ignoring Blanc's little seizure.

"We just talked with the Tourist Board guys and they said they'd be happy to host more of Lowee's sports here!" Ram happily announced. "Even better, they asked us for ideas so we told them to host a party game tournament next time!"

"P...Party game tournament?" It was hard to tell if Uzume's words were meant as a question or a fearful utterance.

"Yeah!" Ram replied, apparently assuming the former. "It's where you all play on a giant board game and at the end of every turn you play fun mini-games like 'Push the Others Into the Lava Pit' or 'Outrun the Avalanche!'"

"And the survivor gets coins!" Rom added, looking a bit too cheerful about the entire premise.

"Yup! And the best part is, they're going to invite all of us to compete again!"

The only reply Ram got to this was a loud symphony of pained groans.


End file.
